Wednesday, July 8, 2020

Depression, Weight Gain, TRT

Continuing the theme from before,  I tried to workout this morning and just couldn't do it. I'm so fucking sick and tired of my garage and not having the tools I need to get this release. Granted I'm hopefully a month away from moving and will buy a rack, barbell and enough weight to get back to normal so I shouldn't complain too much but it's really depressing. I've lost all interest in everything. Wellbutrin doesn't even help. Thankfully I have an appointment with the psychiatrist to address my concerns. 

I'm really well aware of my body dysmorphia so my thoughts here are simple. My lack of interest in working out stems from not having any weight to push and the subsequent weight gain and softness further compounds the depression. So,  in lieu of an antidepressant, why not prescribe testosterone replacement therapy? I'm pretty sure it's going to solve my biggest issue because I'll see results from body weight exercises and bands. Then I'll be motivated to get up. And yes, I've tried cognitive behavioral therapy to address the underlying issues and that shit ain't gonna work. I'm a fucking addict. Drugs, alcohol, vanity, sex, whatever it may be, I'm all in and only chemicals have been successful in helping me address these issues. 

I've spent so much money on dietary supplements hoping something would work and some are effective, undoubtedly. Creatine Monodyhydrate, Branch Chained Amino Acids,  Glutamine, multivitamins, zinc magnesium, they've all helped me but without having the ability to lift it's just not worth the money. I love Evlution Nutrition products,  I subscribe and save on Amazon on all of these but I'm confident TRT would solve this. 

I changed my alarm to make it more difficult to dismiss it. I really like Sleep for Android because it compels you to do something to stop the alarm like a math problem, take a selfie smiling, scan a barcode . . .selfie smiling is most effective because you have to turn the light on and then you're typically awake. Hopefully tomorrow my fat ass can get out of bed and try to do something active. On a positive note,  all this extra sleep I'm getting, I'm killing it on my recovery scores with Whoop. If you don't know what Whoop is, I highly recommend to anyone seriously monitoring their fitness, sleep habits and recovery. Get a free WHOOP strap and your first month free when you join with my link:

Tomorrow's another first day to begin anew. 


Friday, July 3, 2020

Struggling Thru Quaratine

I doubt anyone has truly enjoyed the last four months; it's been a complete shit-show.  Before this "new normal," I was on the road every other week, spending 100+ days/nights outside of my home.  As it turns out, despite the headache that traveling can be, it's nothing compared to being stuck at home with small children and a spouse who doesn't pay much attention to you.  At least in the past I had the gym, I could put on my headphones, blast some Eminem and push away my misery with barbells, dumbbells and the sauna.  Very few things provided me any stress relief, like most, exercise, alcohol, sex, nicotine, pretty much everything that releases dopamine, right?  Well shit, now I have none of them and while I'm proud to be one year sober and three months without nicotine, no lifting and sleeping on the couch for the past four months sucks ass. 

I've bought a treadmill, a rowing machine, resistance bands, used plumbing material to create a barbell and still I have little to no interest in getting up at 4am to do anything beneficial to my health any more.  Honestly, who gives a shit?  I don't see anyone other than the other corporate stooges with whom I work and interact with on Webex.  My wife clearly doesn't fucking care if I still have abs, shave, shower or even brush my teeth, so why the fuck am I concerned about it?  I miss alcohol  and nicotine.  Not even Wellbutrin is helping this situation.  Oh and make things even more fun and interesting, I'm selling my house, buying another one closer to the kids school so I can stop hearing complaints about having to drive kids to school.  Fantastic experience to endure with an absolute stress case.  

I am sure everyone is going thru some shit right now and I am not unique but fuck this blows goats and I hope this shit ends quickly so I can get back on the road and into a hotel bed to enjoy my porn in peace and quiet. 

Tuesday, May 26, 2020

A Clean Jerk: Fitness, Fatherhood and Fighting Addiction

A Clean Jerk is a play on the weight lifting movement as much as it is an admission of who I was when I was drinking.  I'm not a doctor, a therapist or a personal trainer.  I'm an insurance professional with two kids who for the past twenty years used an obsession with fitness to fight childhood insecurities and along the way discovered a meaningful relationship with addiction.

This isn't my attempt to explain away my indiscretions as a result of childhood trauma or addiction.  I am not interested in preaching to people about how they should live their lives; unless you harm the elderly, children or animals, I have no judgment on how you choose to live your life. We all have problems and the weight of those problems is borne on everyone individually.  Someone always has it better than you and someone always has it worse. 

Sometimes I will write about working out, who I follow, what I eat/supplement and how it helps provide an escape.  I am definitely going to provide anecdotes about fatherhood and some of the wonderful ways children challenge and surprise us every day.  Lastly, like the name suggests, this is also about my struggle with addition and specifically alcoholism.  

Join me as I delve deeply into all that consumes my mind.